Have you ever walked away from a tough conversation with a team member thinking, “That could’ve gone better”?
As a leader, the ability to manage people, not just problems is one of the most powerful (and underdeveloped) skills in business.
I’m Esther, a senior HR practitioner with over 20 years’ experience supporting leaders across complex teams and fast-moving industries.
In this blog, I’ll share seven simple yet powerful phrases that can transform uncomfortable conversations into productive turning points. And if you stick around until the end, you’ll walk away with a practical mindset shift that changes how you lead—starting today.
Lead with Curiosity, Not Criticism
Not this: “I don’t have time for excuses—just fix it.”
Instead say this - “I want to understand your perspective before I make any assumptions.”
Encourages psychological safety and signals a partnership approach.
When a team member drops the ball, it’s tempting to snap with, “I don’t have time for excuses—just fix it.” But this shuts down communication and breeds defensiveness. Instead, try saying, “I want to understand your perspective before I make any assumptions.”
This simple shift creates psychological safety and signals that you’re in it together. It doesn’t mean you’re excusing poor performance—it means you’re leading with curiosity, not blame. In return, you’ll often get more honesty, more context, and a better shot at lasting solutions.
Managing people well starts with listening, even when things go wrong.
Focus on Facts, Not Flaws
Not this - “You always do this—you’re never on time.”
Instead say this - “Here’s what I’ve observed, and I’d like to hear your thoughts.”
Grounds the conversation in facts and invites input rather than blame.
It’s easy to default to sweeping statements like, “You always do this—you’re never on time.” But this kind of language feels like a personal attack and rarely leads to positive change.
Approaching it differently creates more space for solutions.
It can ground the conversation in facts like specific dates or patterns and invites the other person to share their perspective. It removes blame and keeps the dialogue constructive. You’re not calling out someone’s character; you’re addressing a behaviour. And that distinction is key to managing people, not problems.
Keep It About the Work
Not this - “You’re not doing your job.”
Instead say this: “There’s a gap between what’s needed and what’s happening—let’s explore that.”
Focuses on the work and expectations, not personal faults.
When someone’s performance is slipping, it’s easy to blame—but telling someone they’re not doing their job targets the person, not the problem.
A more effective strategy is to focus on the gap between what’s needed and what’s currently happening.
This may signal an opportunity to refresh expectations.
By focusing on outcomes not personal faults—you also open the door to revisit role clarity, especially if the business has evolved.
A quick update to responsibilities or success metrics can realign everyone, creating clarity and confidence for both manager and employee moving forward.
Balance Accountability with Support
Not this: “You need to pull your weight or we’ll have to let you go.”
Instead Say This: “I’ve noticed some areas where your performance could improve. Let’s chat about how I can support you in reaching your goals. “
Shift the focus from consequences to collaboration—it’s about improvement, not intimidation.
Threats rarely lead to sustainable change—especially when the goal is growth, not fear. Instead of warning someone to shape up or ship out, focus on creating a space where expectations are clear and support is accessible.
This might mean setting short-term performance goals, scheduling regular check-ins, or offering mentoring or training. It’s also a good time to revisit their development plan—if one doesn’t exist, now’s the moment to build one.
Framing the conversation around improvement, not punishment, keeps people engaged and gives them a fair chance to succeed—while still holding them accountable.
Recognition and Accountability Can Coexist
Don’t say: “You’re lucky we’re even keeping you on after this.”
Instead Say This: “I value what you bring to the team, and I also need to see some changes.”
Holds both truth and care—recognition with accountability
Telling someone they’re “lucky to still be here” might feel like a wake-up call, but it often erodes trust and morale. A more effective approach is to acknowledge their strengths while clearly outlining where change is needed.
People are more likely to engage in self-reflection when they feel respected, not shamed. This is also a great opportunity to reinforce performance expectations and provide concrete examples of what improvement looks like.
When recognition and accountability go hand in hand, you’re not just managing problems—you’re building a team that feels seen, supported, and responsible for their growth.
Curiosity Builds Clarity. Judgment Builds Walls.
Don’t say: “Why would you do that? What were you thinking?”
Instead say: “I’ve noticed [specific behavior], and I’m interested in understanding your perspective.”
This approach opens the door for the other party to share their viewpoint, fostering a two-way dialogue.
Reacting with, “What were you thinking?” might feel instinctive in the moment, but it often shuts down honest dialogue and leaves people feeling shamed. A more constructive approach is to stay grounded in what you’ve actually observed and approach the conversation with curiosity.
This reduces shame and creates space for the employee to share context you may not be aware of.
Was there a miscommunication, a lack of resources, or something else at play?
It also aligns with best HR practice by separating the person from the behaviour. When people feel safe to share their side, you're more likely to uncover root causes and create lasting solutions.
Make It a Shared Challenge, Not a Solo Burden
Don’t say: “You need to fix this—just figure it out.”
Instead say: “Let’s explore possible solutions together to address this.”
This language shifts the focus from the problem to finding a resolution, emphasising partnership and shared responsibility.
Telling someone to fix a problem on their own might seem efficient, but it can lead to confusion or incomplete outcomes—especially if the issue is complex or ongoing.
Instead, approaching the situation as something you’ll tackle together builds trust and creates a sense of shared ownership. This is also a smart HR move—it models collaborative problem-solving, reinforces team culture, and ensures accountability without isolation.
When people feel supported, they’re more likely to engage, contribute ideas, and follow through. Progress comes from partnership and that’s how real leadership turns tough talks into turning points.
Tough conversations are unavoidable but they don’t have to be destructive.
With the right language and mindset, you can turn tension into trust, and performance issues into opportunities for growth.
These phrases aren’t about sugarcoating—they’re about leading with confidence. If you're looking to strengthen how your leaders manage people, not just problems, I’d love to support you.
Reach out to the Seed HR team to explore tailored training or guidance for your business.
Because better conversations build better teams.